“May your days be merry and briiiiiiiight
And may all your Christmases be”…..peaceful!

On 1 December last year I wrote about The Vegan, twice (parts I and II). In one day, I had summarised both the rise and fall of our relationship. The resurrection of which became the subject of my post in April of this year.

Here we are now, a little over one year later and I’m back to talking about the fall, however, unlike previously, there will be no reconciliation this time.

As they say, there are no losses in life, just lessons. Rather than seeing our spell as lost time, which is a common summary after a break up, I’m viewing it as an opportunity to well and truly assess what it is that I’m looking for in a partner.

Not to say that I didn’t know beforehand. Goodness knows I’ve filtered out enough suitors to have gathered a pretty finite list of qualities that I’m seeking in a partner. What I have now learned though is that there is much, much more to be understood from what people are not saying, than there is from what they are. A person might not be expressing their dislike for something out loud but if they’re also not vocalising their like for it, then it could still mean that they don’t like it. For instance, if we’re having a conversation about baked beans, which you clearly like, and you’re trying to gauge my opinion on them, if I choose not to tell you that I hate them, which I do, with a passion but instead keep quiet about it, then you might automatically think that I love them too. This analogy is a bit weird, I know but among the seriousness of this blog, I still kinda want to keep it light-hearted. In real terms, The Vegan may not have said that he doesn’t harbour aspirations for one day having a family of his own however, just because he hasn’t vocalised that he doesn’t want this, does not mean I can assume that he does. Better example?

And I’m not even talking specifically with me, I never felt that he had the general notion of wanting to settle down with anyone. Now I don’t like to make assumptions, so when I ask a direct question and don’t get a direct answer, if at all, then that in itself is an answer. After nearly two years of dating, I outright asked him what he wanted from me and he had no answer. In my mind, surely, if he was certain he wanted me in his life, he would find his own way of telling me. Most definitely, he wasn’t showing me with his actions and the lack of verbal confirmation was even more deflating.

Without sounding too ‘airy fairy’ about the whole thing, I do believe that there are loves that are genuinely like those that are depicted so magically in the movies and I decided that this was the kind of romance I deserved. The kind where two people know with all certainty that they want to be together. And while The Vegan’s answer wasn’t a ‘no’ or even ‘I don’t know’, it definitely wasn’t a ‘yes’ and that was all I needed to hear (or not hear, in this case).

Our inputs into the relationship were unmatched and our expectations for the outputs even less so. With this unbalance, it was never going to last. And in truth, there were signs that this was the case from the very beginning, hence the earlier break up, I suppose. So from this experience, I am taking from it the lessons that I should pay more attention to what isn’t being offered, especially if what’s actually on the table is just a distraction from the reality of the situation.

I’ll maintain that The Vegan isn’t a bad person. It’s what has made coming to this decision so difficult in the first place and also why I was willing to give the relationship a second chance. Unfortunately though, not being a bad person isn’t reason enough to convince me that he is the right person for me. And it goes both ways too because everything that I was fighting to improve in the relationship, he was happy enough to let remain, which in turn led to differing opinions on some of the most basic of relationship standards, romantically and otherwise. Therefore ultimately, I’m not the right person for him either.

Even though I’m not thrilled to be single again, there’s a comfort that comes with knowing that you have exited a situation that is no longer serving you with the happiness that should’ve resulted from the union. And although I’m alone, I’m at peace.

Merry Christmas one and all! x